I wrote this poem during the early days of my recovery, when I was plagued by urges to binge, and promised relief by purging. The days when it felt completely out of my control.
I spent years trapped in a binge/purge/restriction cycle, and would berate myself when I fell victim to the behaviour, completely consumed with the belief that I was weak, gross, failing, and a failure. I believed if I could white-knuckle my way through life, I should not ever binge/purge again, if only I tried hard enough. Ultimately, I did have to stop this behaviour in order to recover, but first, I had to understand WHY it kept happening.
There are three primary reasons people binge.
1. Deprivation or restriction of food
When you, or anyone, is overly hunger, or undernourished, it becomes really difficult to tune in to your physical signals, and make thoughtful and appropriate choices. Our bodies seem to take over - they seek out high energy, high flavour foods, and when we find them, we tend to eat too much, too fast. This is not evidence that your body cannot be trusted around certain foods - rather, it is evidence that your body is doing EXACTLY what it was designed to do to keep you alive. Whether you are intentionally restricting or not, the body cannot differentiate between the two; your body does not understand diets, or reasons for deprivation, it simply understands adequate nutrition or not.
Interestingly, we can be in a state of deprivation or restriction even when we are calorically consuming enough. This happens when we categorize foods, and put certain foods/food groups into the “bad” or “I cannot eat that” category. This is also a form of restriction. Have you ever noticed that your binge foods, or foods you feel out of control around are typically the foods that you try to avoid? The food itself is not the problem. The avoidance of the food is actually what has created this unhealthy relationship toward it. Slowly incorporating binge foods back into your regular nutrition will, over time, lessen the allure, and ultimately, make those foods safe once more.
2. Emotions and strong feelings
It is important to know that we all emotionally eat periodically, and there is nothing wrong with that. This behaviour becomes problematic when it is the primary, or only tool used to deal with difficult feelings. For those of us who use food as a tool, it can help distract or avoid from comfortable emotions, while offering the false sense of “soothing” that accompanies the behaviour. You are not imagining this - brain chemistry is altered for a period of time after consuming typically binge foods (high sugar, high fat, “forbidden” foods), which reinforces the desire to binge. Food can provide a false sense of safety, allowing us to stuff down rage, fill up emptiness, drown out fear, and so on. When we lose touch with what we are feeling, we also lose touch with how to identify, express, and heal from our emotions. Developing new tools to help with emotional regulation will be important in recovery.
3. Mindlessness, unconsciousness, or habit
Food can be used to numb out, escape, or avoid many things. In my case, it was an excellent tool to avoid or procrastinate from an unpleasant task looming over me, or a way to distance myself from a difficult day, usually without any conscious thought. I also learned that habit had become part of my disorder, and having engaged in the behaviour for many years, I no longer needed to experience a negative trigger to experience an urge. The time of day, environment, or even positive emotions became reasons to binge. Cultivating a practice of awareness can be the first step in helping to change this mindless behaviour.
What once felt impossible, and out of my control, no longer controls me. The road to recovery taught me to honour my physical needs, respond thoughtfully and compassionately to my emotions, and develop awareness around my habits and mindless behaviours. I learned that the urges are controllable, with the proper tools and support.
If you can relate to any of this, I want you to know that it does not have to be like this forever. Recovery is possible, and you are worth it.