For many years, I scoured the internet, read countless books, and poured over blogs, all in the pursuit of “finding myself”.
The trap in this situation is that the verbiage is incredibly disempowering. To “find yourself” essentially means you are looking for something, and if you cannot find it, you lose. It takes control out of your hands, and for someone with an eating disorder, low self esteem, and virtually zero sense of identity, being powerless in this scenario can only serve to feed negative emotions.
The pursuit of discovering the secret to “finding myself” became frenzied, and created both anxiety and extreme depression when , after more than a decade, I felt as lost as I ever had. I compared myself to all the “happy” people I saw on social media, and felt like a complete failure because I had not found myself, and was, in my mind, wasting my life.
Conversely, when I changed my internal dialogue to say “I am CREATING myself”, I opened up a massive amount of mental breathing room.
This very slight change in language is so much more empowering, actionable, and forgiving.
“Create” gave me permission to start something from scratch, as a beginner. The impact of this has been profound. For so many individuals who struggle with eating disorders, perfectionism is a common characteristic, one that can hinder our likelihood of trying anything new, because the fear of embarrassment at not being the best is so overwhelming.
If you think about a creation, it starts with a blank canvas, or a square of marble, or fingers resting on piano keys. There is no right way to do it yet, as it has never been done before. This realization gifted me with freedom to explore, fail, laugh, and play.
In self-discovery through recovery, I would challenge each of you to stop looking for yourself. You are not lost; you have, however, had many years when your focus has been on your illness and not on self-creation. Change your internal dialogue to include more empowering language, and start the process of creating yourself.
How Do I do this? Stay tuned all week for more.
