I used to think that if I just weighed a certain amount, I would have the confidence to try new things. And if I could try new things, I would find myself. And when I had found myself, my confidence would rise. And when my confidence was high, I would no longer need my eating disorder, because I would feel good about myself, and I would look a certain way, and I would have a purpose.
This meant that I had to be “just sick enough” to maintain a certain physical weight and shape, but I believed I was completely in control of just how sick I was. This was the lie I told myself for years.
What made it easy to believe this was that my eating disorder taught me how to be very sneaky. With a decade of practice lying to people around me, pretending, and living two lives, I was able to fool even myself about how bad things really were.
My “sick brain” had me convinced that if the people in my life could not tell, and had no concerns; there was no problem.
What I have learned is that this mindset was not unique to my experience.
Many individuals share this mentality, and it can follow one into “recovery” if we are not actively conscious about challenging these thoughts.
In order to truly move forward in recovery, honesty with yourself is the best (and only) policy. While honesty with those around you is important, only you can know what your deepest thoughts and beliefs are.
Are you truly accepting that change is needed? That change is desired? Or are you going through the motions, while still hanging onto the belief that you can control your eating disorder to a certain degree?
Challenge yourself to differentiate between the ED making statements, and your wise mind creating thoughts.
It is by no means a sign of weakness to have the negative thoughts, they have had a long time to practice, and cultivate themselves into something believable. However, pushing back on those thoughts does require conscious thought, effort, and persistence.
It can be helpful to begin to be 100% honest with your primary support, and be able to say, out loud, without fear of judgement or misunderstanding, that today is a hard day. Having the thoughts is not the same thing as engaging in the behaviours, and by educating and trusting our support system, they too can know how to better support you when the thoughts arise.
Secrets keep us sick. The more light we can shine on the thoughts and behaviours, the less space (isolation) the eating disorder has to work in.
I hope this is helpful, and can't wait to share more with you tomorrow.