For anyone who has worked with me, you probably know how I feel about the word “should”.
This short, small, seemingly insignificant word. Oh how I despise it. This little word that permeates so much of our internal and external dialogue on a daily basis. When you start to pay attention, how many times a day do you say “should”? If you are like me, it is a LOT.
This word is a permanent fixture in everyday conversation. It worms its way into our dialogue, often without us even realizing it. What we may realize is the feelings of guilt, frustration, embarrassment or regret that it tends to result in.
So why do we even use it?
Often, “should/shouldn’t” is used as an unconscious way to try to motivate or “keep ourselves in check”. The challenge is that it does not result in productivity, nor in becoming a better person. Instead, it leaves us feeling inadequate about making a decision, and promotes feelings of failure. “Should” is the opposite of accepting the current reality. It manages to keep us stuck in a cycle of self-deprecation and procrastination.
How do we break the cycle?
Awareness is the first step. I encourage you to pay attention to when you are using “should”, and replacing it with empowering alternatives.
Example:
Instead of saying “I should go to bed earlier” try to focus on the positive reasons you would like to be in bed earlier, such as “I would like to go to bed earlier so that I have more energy in the morning”. This is empowering. You are making an informed choice.
“Should” is also an undecided. It is a word of inactivity. As Dr. S. Helmstetter says is beautifully: “when we tell ourselves that we “should” be doing something, we’re implicitly reinforcing the idea that we’re not doing it.”
When you notice “should” creep up, try to reframe the sentence with a decisive word.
Example:
Instead of “I should do more work this evening”, try either “I will do more work this evening” or “I won’t do more work this evening”. This eliminates the need to feel guilty, as whichever statement you go with is an actual, action-based decision. It is concrete; it is clear.
“Should is also steeped in judgment. Have you ever thought “I should’t get upset”? This is so disempowering and judgemental. Try instead to acknowledge and accept that you DO feel upset, and explore how the feelings arose, and what can you do to properly and safely express the emotion.
I continue to practice catching “should” and rewording the statement in an effort to find myself back in the drivers seat.
Removing this word can make so much difference in how we think, feel, and behave, and improve our relationship with self and others.